How To Make A Good Website

All those web designers out there, with their fancy coding skills, nobody knows how to make a proper website anymore. In this wonderful article, I’ll show you how. So open up Frontpage and let’s get started!

What? You don’t use Frontpage? But how? It’s the only good website authoring tool out there! It’s made by Microsoft so it has to be good. Windows 1998 is recommended, as it’s a very nice, stable operating system for web design. Alright, let’s get on with it!

This is our final result. It looks nice, doesn’t it? You can view the actual site here. Internet Explorer 5 recommended, for the best viewing experience.

Gradients

First of all, we need to apply some lovely gradients, as they make everything look much more professional. Let’s start with green. Green’s a nice color, especially those lovely primary greens in the Fireworks 7 color palette. Make sure to make the gradients prominent, we don’t want to confuse visitors with subtle, tasteful gradients, now do we? Your result should look something like this:

Font

Let’s pick a font. In this website, I’ll be using some Comic Sans. It’s a nice, Microsoft-approved font, and it looks like it’s from a comic book, which the youngsters using this website can relate to. Don’t make the font color white, as white is too cold and unfriendly. Instead, use a nice, warm color, like yellow. Perfect.

Links

For links, let’s use the default colors. After all, we don’t want to confuse people by making the links match our color scheme, right? They have to stand out. Plus, it saves time.

Backgrounds

Let’s use one big, non-repeating background, shall we? It’ll save us time and money, and it works fine on my monitor.

JavaScript

Let’s use some JavaScript to make the site nicer. With the magic of JS, I can make links out of divs and tables. What? I should use CSS and proper semantics? Blasphemy, I tell you! Besides, will all those so-called CSS things work in Netscape 3.0? It’s my second-favorite browser, you know.

CSS

A lot of people on the internet have been clamoring about this newfangled CSS thing, but I assure you, it’s useless. <FONT> and <BGCOLOR> work splendidly, so there’s no need to learn this CSS thing. Besides, if it doesn’t work in Internet Explorer 2, it’s useless. Your finished code should look something like this:

Final Notes

Make sure to make the website work perfectly in IE 5 and below. People have been telling me about those no-good “alternate” browsers, like Firefox and Opera, but they’re not made by Microsoft, so they’re not legitimate. What’s with these open-source hippies anyway? If you have a good product, sell it for hundreds of dollars. Anyway, nobody uses those sorry excuses for browsers, so you can ignore them completely.

Hope you all enjoyed this helpful little tutorial!

Just because I know some will take this seriously, I’ll say it here. This post is 100% sarcasm. I just wanted to experiment a bit with my posts and instead of writing a regular rant, I decided to write is a tutorial from the viewpoint of an out-of-date Microsoft-loving bigot.